Social Media Death Trap

Although I blog and therefore may be construed as "putting myself out there", I am an intensely private person. Mouthful-of-Vegemite levels of intense.

I'm not on social media, and I think I have great reasons. 

Good reasons. 

Reasons? 

Facebook

Initially, I went off Facebook because I was bored. The end. Not the most exciting of social media exits, I'll admit. 

But then I started looking into Facebook's privacy policy. Even if you delete your coming of age video where teenage-you vomits up that thirteenth tequila onto that bouncer's shoes, it's not deleted. Not really. 

What you've done is not 'delete' but remove the offending item from the pubic domain. Your average internet search troll or HR department won't be able to find it, but it will remain stored on Facebook's servers. Forever.

Why? Because Facebook don't have to expunge anything they don't want to. Check out their Privacy Policy, or if the fine print confuses you (as it did me) send them an email. You'll get the same response - You put something up on Facebook, it's theirs forever. Same goes for Yahoo, Google, YouTube, Blogger, work emails, whatever you put on the line, it's theirs baby.

The only hope you have of something being permanently erased is work stuff, because most companies have limited server space. Private servers are expensive to purchase and maintain. After you quit a job, the average company will store your emails for up to seven years, usually much less. But it's probably different if you work somewhere like MI5. 

But Facebook servers may as well be infinite. So in fifty years time when you're running for President or CFO or Board Member, guess whose gonna have those embarrassing pics and career-ruining commentary and character annihilation wall posts? 

That's right. 

And what do you think they're gonna do with that information if they don't like your political party or you personally or your company or what you represent? 

That's right. 

Don't say you haven't been warned.

Twitter 

I used to think Twitter was simply the most infuriating feature on Facebook - status updates - mass produced to as wide an audience as possible. But after a bit of investigative work, I think there's more to it. 

It seems that 60% of Twitter is made up of what fuels every other social media platform - bored people. Bored at work, bored at school, bored at home, bored on the weekends, bored on holiday. And I dig that, I get bored too. I love hitting celebrity gossip columns as much as the next person. 

20% of Twitter is made up of those who have cottoned onto the fact that Consumer Protection Law is so pathetic in most countries that publicly shaming a business is the only way of obtaining restitution for a sandwich that gave you food poisoning or a roofer who never came or a potato peeler that broke at first use and sliced your hand open. 

Forget about going to an Ombusmen if you feel you've been screwed over by some douche-bag company. Hit Twitter immediately. The rewards will be great. 

The remaining 20% of Twitter is quite an ugly tumor of attention-seeking fame-hungry young adults desperately trying to feel closer to celebrities, or using it as a platform to find fame themselves.

Well, good luck to all, from the Boreds to the consumer watchdogs to the fame-whores. Just remember that Twitter, like Facebook, will be storing everything. Forever.

Instagram 

Doesn't work for me personally, I'm way too self conscious to take selfies and too lazy to take normal photos. Seems to be simply a site for visual self promotion sharing pics. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Linkedin

I like Linkedin. I know! Shock horror, the old fossil stuck in the age of 80s arcade games and DOS has inched forward and actually likes a social media platform.

Yes, I like it. It seems the perfect place to build professional networks, advertise for jobs, post interesting stuff you're working on and find inspiration whilst enduring a particularly soul destroying workday.

Although... it's not perfect. 

Few things bother me more than LinkedIn members who view my profile and chose to be anonymous. I don't like being stalked, and when I see this,

I feel stalked. Who ARE you? 

A Vegemite-private soul such as myself does not appreciate random mouth breathers or people who like to acid faces having the awesome power of looking at me, and Linkedin refuses to allow profiles to be unsearchable. How dare the faceless talent pool want to protect its privacy? Who cares if they've been stalked in the past or are on witness protection programs. We make the rules.

Boo. Boo Linkedin. Boo...

I'm sorry this post wasn't particularly funny. It was more for my niece and nephew who are entering the volatile teenage years, and are both smart and nice and deserve all the information before selling their souls to the likes of Mark Zuckerberg.