My marathon is this Sunday. Since I started training a year ago I've seen and heard muchos advice for budding marathonettes like myself, some solid gold, some utter codswallop and downright dangerous.
It sometimes feels like the people writing about marathons on the internet are all professional athletes. They can't fathom that some of us aren't fussed about getting a sub-4-hour time, or have families and jobs that come first, or are not and will never be genetically/physically able to achieve a 'good' marathon time (for me as long as you beat the sweeper van you've done damn good).
I am one of those people, to which all of the above apply. So if you're like me, and you have a full life outside of running, and you're only doing a marathon to tick it off your bucket list, here are my top marathon myths – busted!
Your body is going to become amazing
I'll level with you, I run for one reason and one reason alone - to stay trim and toned. If I achieved the same results lying on the couch stuffing my face with Oreos, believe me, I would be doing just that.
I've been running on and off my entire life but when I signed up for the marathon I genuinely thought this would happen,
And why shouldn't I? It's a marathon for crying out loud. It's far! And the months and months of grueling training would surely change my shape? Tone it up a little? Get rid of the chub on my thighs and maybe reduce Augustus a wee bit?
Nope. Didn't happen for me. My body is too clever, the cheeky bastard. It notices I'm burning more calories so ups the hunger to compensate.
You won't be hungry all the time
I am hungry all the time. Especially the three days following a Sunday run. The hunger on Mondays is enough to drive me mad, and by midday I've already eaten my breakfast, lunch, half a packet of digestives, crisps and imbibed several coffees.
The training will not take over your life
The training will take over your life. Sunday is long run day even if you're like me and are doing the bare minimum (three runs a week). The run on Sunday might take two, three, even four hours, so for the three months leading up to the marathon forget plans on Sunday. You will be too sore.
Forget plans on Saturday, you'll be eating pasta and teetotalling.
Forget plans on Friday because you can't really drink leading up to those big runs, it's too bloody painful.
Forget plans on Thursday, you'll be running.
And so on and so forth.
You have to time/record all your running
You can run on distance or you can run on time. I use time. I decided to build up until I could run for 4 hours. I'm slowly jogging at that pace, so it would be what, 8.5 km/hr? That's 34 km. Boom. There's your distance, no Strava required.
I'm not saying don't time and record your runs. I'm just saying you don't have to, and don't let those creepy running nuts bully you into it.
You have to eat healthy
There is no amount of fruit, vegetable, meat or low-GI foods that can give you the energy you need for those super long runs. I guess if you ate two fillet steaks, seventeen vegetables and a big bowl of pasta in one sitting you'd be fine, but some of us don't have stomachs that are that stretchy.
Take me for example. I'm of a petite frame. I need small, high energy things like chocolate and crisps and fatty things, as well as the salads and fruits and protein and carbs. Otherwise I don't finish my training runs, I run out of steam. I just... stop. It is physically impossible to keep going, and I end up half-walking half-crawling home.
You need energy, and if I had followed the advice of those idiotic, juicing-is-all-you-need borderline-eating-disorder vegan knobheads who post on the internet (cough... Goop... cough) I would be in a world of trouble.
Your body will be fine
No. No it won't. Your feet are going to look like they've been put through a meat grinder. The blood blisters will make them look gangrenous, and sometimes you will have to pop those bad boys. Awch!!! Prepare to lose at least one toenail, usually the second one. Black toenails add to the look of gross mutilation.
Prepare for chaffing. You'll also get sores in weird places, like your underarms (those smart something horrible).
If you've never had an injury in your life, prepare. I was injury-free my entire life until I signed up for this marathon. My left ankle is now gone, and bizarrely my left shoulder too.
I'm prone to headaches and migraines. I have at least two per week now, no matter how much water I drink or how much sleep I get or how much alcohol I don't drink.
I could go on with the list of physical deformities myself and Boyfriend have experienced since the training ramped up, but I won't. Suffice to say you're going to hurt. A lot.
You should use a training plan off the internet
DO NOT DO THIS! Those training plans are designed for people who are already genetically blessed with running genes and want to achieve a sub 4 hour time. Not all of us are physically able to do that. Myself included. I know my limits, I know I don't have the body for long distance running (I look much more like a swimmer or tennis player, with weak legs but broad shoulders).
If you just want to finish your first marathon in a nice time, like 5 hours, three runs a week is good. Three runs is probably even better than five runs, because if you're like me you will get injured. I need more recovery time than others.
Yes, you have to build up the distances, but go ahead and modify those crazy internet training plans to fit in with your lifestyle and your body. We're all different.
You have to run for charity
You do not have to spend a year fundraising. I'll level with you again - I don't like fundraising. It makes me feel pathetic to have to grovel to my boss to allow me to organise an office fundraiser. I hate the effort and expense, like being up all night making brownies for the charity bake sale, and spending heaps of money on the ingredients, then people not buying my cakes anyway.
I start to feel like a legitimately bad person when I'm badgering my friends for money. I don't know why, but I do.
I think, and correct me if I’m wrong, the London marathon is the only race where you cannot get in unless you raise some ridiculous amount of money for a charity, £4,000 or so. That stops a lot of people I know from doing a marathon, which is silly because Paris and Berlin are better than London. It’s the worst kept secret on the European running circuit.
So don't feel you can't run a marathon just because you can't get into London. None of us evil, horrible, non-likey-fundraising peeps can. Pay your €100 and enter Paris. Easy squeezy lemon juicey.
'Stretch your legs' in the week leading up to the marathon
If you're anything like me, that's going to be a bad idea. As I said, I am a genetically inferior type. Even a 4km run is never easy for me. Running is always hard, always a challenge. The only thing that changes is how long I can go for. Nothing alters how much pain I feel during.
So no running for me in the six days leading up to the marathon. Bodies like mine need all the rest and recuperation they can get.
Runners are a supportive group
Runners are judgmental pricks. I will be overjoyed to finish the marathon in five hours. When I say that to other runners, you should see the looks I get. Their disdain is palpable, it’s written all over their smug, haughty faces, "Only five hours? How shameful, why is she even bothering?"
Then they realise their runners-faux-pax and make a lame attempt to mask their thoughts. You know, those saccharine words of satirical encouragement, "Wow! That will be an amazing accomplishment for you… Well done just for getting off the couch and you know… running a bit.”
As if the months of physical agony and mental agony and sacrifices weren't enough, now I’m being ridiculed?
Honestly... Fuck you. Fuck you all to hell.
It sometimes feels like the people writing about marathons on the internet are all professional athletes. They can't fathom that some of us aren't fussed about getting a sub-4-hour time, or have families and jobs that come first, or are not and will never be genetically/physically able to achieve a 'good' marathon time (for me as long as you beat the sweeper van you've done damn good).
I am one of those people, to which all of the above apply. So if you're like me, and you have a full life outside of running, and you're only doing a marathon to tick it off your bucket list, here are my top marathon myths – busted!
Your body is going to become amazing
I'll level with you, I run for one reason and one reason alone - to stay trim and toned. If I achieved the same results lying on the couch stuffing my face with Oreos, believe me, I would be doing just that.
I've been running on and off my entire life but when I signed up for the marathon I genuinely thought this would happen,
And why shouldn't I? It's a marathon for crying out loud. It's far! And the months and months of grueling training would surely change my shape? Tone it up a little? Get rid of the chub on my thighs and maybe reduce Augustus a wee bit?
Nope. Didn't happen for me. My body is too clever, the cheeky bastard. It notices I'm burning more calories so ups the hunger to compensate.
You won't be hungry all the time
I am hungry all the time. Especially the three days following a Sunday run. The hunger on Mondays is enough to drive me mad, and by midday I've already eaten my breakfast, lunch, half a packet of digestives, crisps and imbibed several coffees.
The training will not take over your life
The training will take over your life. Sunday is long run day even if you're like me and are doing the bare minimum (three runs a week). The run on Sunday might take two, three, even four hours, so for the three months leading up to the marathon forget plans on Sunday. You will be too sore.
Forget plans on Saturday, you'll be eating pasta and teetotalling.
Forget plans on Friday because you can't really drink leading up to those big runs, it's too bloody painful.
Forget plans on Thursday, you'll be running.
And so on and so forth.
You have to time/record all your running
You can run on distance or you can run on time. I use time. I decided to build up until I could run for 4 hours. I'm slowly jogging at that pace, so it would be what, 8.5 km/hr? That's 34 km. Boom. There's your distance, no Strava required.
I'm not saying don't time and record your runs. I'm just saying you don't have to, and don't let those creepy running nuts bully you into it.
You have to eat healthy
There is no amount of fruit, vegetable, meat or low-GI foods that can give you the energy you need for those super long runs. I guess if you ate two fillet steaks, seventeen vegetables and a big bowl of pasta in one sitting you'd be fine, but some of us don't have stomachs that are that stretchy.
Take me for example. I'm of a petite frame. I need small, high energy things like chocolate and crisps and fatty things, as well as the salads and fruits and protein and carbs. Otherwise I don't finish my training runs, I run out of steam. I just... stop. It is physically impossible to keep going, and I end up half-walking half-crawling home.
You need energy, and if I had followed the advice of those idiotic, juicing-is-all-you-need borderline-eating-disorder vegan knobheads who post on the internet (cough... Goop... cough) I would be in a world of trouble.
Your body will be fine
No. No it won't. Your feet are going to look like they've been put through a meat grinder. The blood blisters will make them look gangrenous, and sometimes you will have to pop those bad boys. Awch!!! Prepare to lose at least one toenail, usually the second one. Black toenails add to the look of gross mutilation.
Prepare for chaffing. You'll also get sores in weird places, like your underarms (those smart something horrible).
If you've never had an injury in your life, prepare. I was injury-free my entire life until I signed up for this marathon. My left ankle is now gone, and bizarrely my left shoulder too.
I'm prone to headaches and migraines. I have at least two per week now, no matter how much water I drink or how much sleep I get or how much alcohol I don't drink.
I could go on with the list of physical deformities myself and Boyfriend have experienced since the training ramped up, but I won't. Suffice to say you're going to hurt. A lot.
You should use a training plan off the internet
DO NOT DO THIS! Those training plans are designed for people who are already genetically blessed with running genes and want to achieve a sub 4 hour time. Not all of us are physically able to do that. Myself included. I know my limits, I know I don't have the body for long distance running (I look much more like a swimmer or tennis player, with weak legs but broad shoulders).
If you just want to finish your first marathon in a nice time, like 5 hours, three runs a week is good. Three runs is probably even better than five runs, because if you're like me you will get injured. I need more recovery time than others.
Yes, you have to build up the distances, but go ahead and modify those crazy internet training plans to fit in with your lifestyle and your body. We're all different.
You have to run for charity
You do not have to spend a year fundraising. I'll level with you again - I don't like fundraising. It makes me feel pathetic to have to grovel to my boss to allow me to organise an office fundraiser. I hate the effort and expense, like being up all night making brownies for the charity bake sale, and spending heaps of money on the ingredients, then people not buying my cakes anyway.
I start to feel like a legitimately bad person when I'm badgering my friends for money. I don't know why, but I do.
I think, and correct me if I’m wrong, the London marathon is the only race where you cannot get in unless you raise some ridiculous amount of money for a charity, £4,000 or so. That stops a lot of people I know from doing a marathon, which is silly because Paris and Berlin are better than London. It’s the worst kept secret on the European running circuit.
So don't feel you can't run a marathon just because you can't get into London. None of us evil, horrible, non-likey-fundraising peeps can. Pay your €100 and enter Paris. Easy squeezy lemon juicey.
'Stretch your legs' in the week leading up to the marathon
If you're anything like me, that's going to be a bad idea. As I said, I am a genetically inferior type. Even a 4km run is never easy for me. Running is always hard, always a challenge. The only thing that changes is how long I can go for. Nothing alters how much pain I feel during.
So no running for me in the six days leading up to the marathon. Bodies like mine need all the rest and recuperation they can get.
Runners are a supportive group
Runners are judgmental pricks. I will be overjoyed to finish the marathon in five hours. When I say that to other runners, you should see the looks I get. Their disdain is palpable, it’s written all over their smug, haughty faces, "Only five hours? How shameful, why is she even bothering?"
Then they realise their runners-faux-pax and make a lame attempt to mask their thoughts. You know, those saccharine words of satirical encouragement, "Wow! That will be an amazing accomplishment for you… Well done just for getting off the couch and you know… running a bit.”
As if the months of physical agony and mental agony and sacrifices weren't enough, now I’m being ridiculed?
Honestly... Fuck you. Fuck you all to hell.
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